Self-Doubt and Sleeplessness

I was out reading blogs today; haven't had much time for that in the past few weeks, but today I was out surfing my usual spots.  My dear friend, Delayne of Mayfaire, raised some interesting questions about artists and self-doubt that had me reflecting and commenting.  Since I haven't blogged in a while myself, I thought I would tackle the subject here.

Here's her original post:  http://mayfaireart.blogspot.com/2012/08/self-doubt-and-sleeplessness.html#comment-form

I believe many artists have type A personalities.  We have to be self-motivated in order to do what we do; to voluntarily stick our necks out into traffic and honk our horns for the world to see.  We also have to be a little crazy, but that's a subject for another day.

I'm usually in love with each piece of jewelry I make, as I design it, but later when I put a price on it, it doesn't always measure up to the love I felt for it when it was a newborn.  Is that because time has passed and I'm more objective?  Or because it really isn't as unique and wonderful as I originally thought? 

Turning inspiration and ideas into objects isn't an exact science.  I  imagine all sorts of wonderful creations in my head that somehow don't translate well into reality with my limited skills and bead stash.  I see jewelry all the time on Etsy that I wish I had made, luscious, colorful, gorgeous pieces with character and complexity.  When I compare my final results to those superior pieces, I'm always dissatisfied with my own work.

I study those other artist's works, the craftmanship, the cut and quality of materials and the details of each design.  Why can't I do what they do?  Why isn't my jewelry as beautiful or unique as theirs?

I've heard that question countless times from others who are just starting out, and I always have an encouraging answer for them:  in time, you will find your unique voice, your niche.  It just takes time.  We all feel doubt to some degree or another.  We all compare ourselves and our work to those around us. 

Will the self-doubt ever go away?  Not so much.  But we can live with a little doubt as long as it inspires us to improve our talents, learn new methods, hone our craft. 

I think self-doubt is a necessary evil.  As long as we don't take it personal.  As long as we don't obssess over it and reduce ourselves to defeated whimps.  I believe we have the ultimate power because we can choose how to react to doubt and fear.  We can learn from it and dismiss it, or we can be ruled and silenced by it.

This is where we really show our type A personalities, because most of us continue to make art.  Most of us don't have a choice because art chose us, and no matter how inadequate to the task we might feel, creating art is as necessary to our well-being as water and oxygen.

As long as we sell a piece now and then, we know there are others who think our art is of value, so that soothes a little of the self-doubt.

Will we get rich?  Will we sell out our entire stock at the next show?  Will publication bring fame and prosperity?

Probably not, but the odds aren't quite as bad as winning the lottery.

As for insomnia, I used to toss and turn a lot, too, but my favorite anti-depressant takes care of that now. 

My trick with my inner Mean Girl?  She can only give me constructive feedback.  Then I feed her chocolate and chase her away!

Happy trails!

The Hard Questions

What do I want to be?  And where did the day go?
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron is a book I was familiar with from my days as a writer.  I bought the book many years ago but never did the morning pages or any of the exercises that are supposed to help you get unblocked and become more creative.  Last week I checked it out of the library.

Since being laid off from my day job in early December, I've struggled with the most difficult of questions:  "What am I going to do with the rest of my life?"  Having been a capable mainframe programmer and database administrator, I am now obsolete.  For the second time in my career.  I need to work for another 15 years, but I'm not sure I want to jump in to the technology pool and try it again.

This morning, I wrote my three morning pages as required by the book The Artist's Way despite my writing hand alternating between falling asleep and cramps.  Writing the pages by hand puts you in touch with your subconscious mind.  You aren't supposed to edit your words or think too much about what you want to say because it's supposed to be a stream of consciousness thing.  With morning pages, it doesn't matter what you write, as long as you write three pages fast.  There are exercises for each week (12 weeks in all) that I haven't started yet, but I have read them and they are in the back of my mind.  The focus of the first week is "Recovering a sense of safety"; what attitudes and core beliefs might be hindering my inner artist child from feeling safe.  Like when a parent has said, "You can't make a living as a writer; you need a REAL job to pay the bills!"

A REAL job.

When I think back on my work life over the past 12 years, I know I started out happy and effective and full of positive energy.  I'm an oldest child and was always the star performer, especially at work.  I'm not sure when that changed.  In the past couple of years, I had become moody, frustrated, jealous, angry, unhappy, abandoned.  My future prospects had gone down the drain with the mainframe computer. 

Yesterday I ran errands:  post office, library and bead store.  When I got to the post office, I discovered I had left the bills on the kitchen counter at home.  At the library, I picked up a book on chip carving for my Dad, and browsed through a few shelves for myself.  I picked out more books on marketing and crafting as a business.  My last errand was to get the 2011 midwest arts and craft fair guide which I expected to find at the local bead store.  They don't carry it, but I managed to find a couple of things I didn't know I needed instead.  I also chit-chatted with the clerk: what classes did she teach, where does she sell her jewelry, blah, blah, blah.

When did I become such an extrovert?  The clerk's eyes glazed over more than once. 
However, if I hadn't been in such a chatty mood, I wouldn't have learned that the store might need someone to teach a seed bead-weaving class this summer.  I left my card.  I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed teaching beading since I haven't done it for a few years.  Thinking about it today I realized a bracelet I designed would be the perfect project for a beginners class in Peyote stitch.

The Artist's Way has a subtitle that says "A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity." 

Maybe I'm on my way....

Cheers!